my boyfriend's mom treats him like her husband

I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, many thave said it well. He's likely earning his keep there. The parent can be emasculating at times and cause the child partner to harbor resentment. I do agree that whatever is happening in that house is terribly wrong, BUT it's not about you. I do agree with others that he needs to set boundaries, but when you're in a family where you're needed it's hard to find motivation to hang out with a girl who's mad at him for not giving her his undivided attention. He can get control by simply saying no to mom. You sounds like a really needy girlfriend man. BIG MISTAKE. But he will just try to balance both and fail unless he actually misses out on his own life because of his acceptance that this is just his life. 23. I honeslty worried that he never would break the cycle. Im sorry OP, I hope Im wrong and it works out, but I truly think this type of person is toxic and will ruin your relationship. So if this is a deal breaker for you, you gotta end it. He can be a little passive-aggressive, but he is not likely to leave you if he commits to you. A mom who lives locally might lack the physical As a single mom, I understand needing the oldest sibling to help with certain things, but it sounds like his mom is way too dependent on him. And he will never be able to stand up for you, your relationship, or himself because of the grip she has on him. tell him you're concerned to see how much he puts aside his own needs for the family and it hurts you to see people take advantage of him. Once youve started a free-flowing dialogue, it will hopefully be easier to voice your concerns about the nature of their relationship and whether it has codependent elements to it. Not trying to imply hope where there isn't any, but my bf of a year had a very controlling and abusive mother that he just couldn't seem to stand up to. How long has his mom been a single mom? The "weirdest" thing here is the brothers call him daddy, but we don't know their situation, do we? Also check out r/justnomil to talk to people who married people in your partner's situation. Okay this is weird. The two younger boys calling him daddy is not culturally normal but it sounds like he's the father figure in their life and I assume this comes from them seeing their friends with their father figure. The unfortunate truth is the longer he has been in a codependent relationship with his mom, and the more severe it is, the worse the outlook over whether he will change. If you guys have only been dating months, I'd say either break up, or go on a break. When he needed your help, all you did was get upset. I always figure the person writing is going shape the story so they are seen in the best light. Get out now while you can. My bf was kinda the same and it was a thing I discussed in therapy. Even if that adult lives with parents. No one has a bad word to say about him. I am not her responsibility. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. May 1, 2023, 5:07 am. Doing weekly shopping and running errands is not an unreasonable ask. Do you love him and does he love you? But the more empathy you can show toward him the better. Read her story again. His mother uses guilt, silent treatment, and passive-aggressiveness as a weapon. See additional information. This is a terrible foundation for a relationship. The situation can change, if he's thinking about moving there's a chance it might change, but he has to figure it out. My fianc and his mom actually made plans for the three of us plus our kids to buy a home together. If you ever ended up marrying him, youd be marrying his mother too. You don't work there!" WebAccept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid. Also, if you continue a relationship with him you will always be third after his mom and siblings. That part of this is really understandable, especially considering you're probably feeling a bit lonely in this whole isolating situation, just like many of us are. He sounds like a really stand up guy; you see the things he's doing as flaws, but I would be so grateful to have a BF who makes that kind of effort to help his family. Like she demands him to go to the grocery store weekly (and complains about him eating certain things and wants him to pay her back etc), makes him go to other stores to fetch her products for her business when she could easily do it herself? Meanwhile, his dad and him tried to help her and she refused to speak to them. Just what happens when you have to or want to contribute to the home. Is his mother a narcissist? Alright this is a tough situation. I went to his house a few times after this, and his mom made a snarky comment about how Im always around whenever he visits home. Now if you just like this guy but you're happy to throw in the towel, cut your losses now. In any case, you and he are very young, It is perfectly valid to say, "You're a nice guy but this relationship isn't right for me." Giving ultimatums or trying to rip him away from the codependent relationship is more likely to leave you even more isolated. In case OP/anyone else is confused, FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Only invest what you want. Sorry you have to deal with a woman like that. Try to avoid using words such as should, have to, or must. who would pick up child care if he isn't there? Also, his siblings should NOT be calling him "Daddy"- that's just fucked up and weird. The two of them might well benefit from some counseling about how to transition their relationship from parent/teenager to parent/adult. Regardless of who is at fault, it sounds like youre not head over heels for him. He wants to move out, right? by Carolyn Steber. She will most likely make up lies or rumors to turn him against you and refocus on her. His mom was in the middle of cooking taco beef. Imagine a 22 year old living at home, supported by his mother, refusing to help out with errands/chores. The fact his siblings call him daddy is creepy as fuck. This is super overdramatic, lol. He may want to consider family therapy if his mom is open to it too, or even just individual therapy to get to the root causes of what is going on. But I supported his decisions and talked him through a lot of it, and he came to his own solution. The fact that she's interrupting phone calls sounds like an easy thing to fix, how often are you on the phone, is it scheduled or random? Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 2 years later You are so young and have so many options! If you parent your partner, you are actually showing them a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect. You might notice some signs that your boyfriend is codependent. In my 2 years engaged it hasnt got Any better. Especially if you feel stressed out by your partners relationship with his mother. Dont leave it too long because it'll eat away at you and the longer it is the harder you will find it to leave and the harder it will be on him too. That is a lot of lifelong work for him. Thats why you can also focus on what you want from your boyfriend and the practical changes you need to feel happier in the relationship. He has to want to make changes to the relationship with his mom, for both himself as well as the sake of your relationship. It is important to set boundaries within Taking care of younger siblings is a very normal thing when there's that big of an age difference as well (however you may feel about that pressure). I had an ex very similar to how OP describes, for the first year I noticed how close he and his mother were but made excuses for it internally and thought we all managed quite well - I visited her and his sister a bunch of times alone while my ex was deployed and all seemed fine. Now he is 46. WebWhen her son marries, however, his first commitment is to his new spouse, and this may be a hard reality for a mother to accept. It can be incredibly challenging to change this dynamic though, as it has likely been long ingrained. I saw one of my sisters as more of a mom figure than my own mom and she felt I was her responsibility. Would he be able to live independently or do you think his mom would still make him do things, and he'd comply? A caring son could also mean a caring husband. WebYour husband may have a close bond with his family and want to please them, make them happy, and show them his life. And he'll be even more trapped because she will be 15 years older, needing even more help, and have become more helpless in the meantime. There is usually a very strong desire for approval which can then lead to controlling and manipulative behavior. Daniel Mabanta If you love him or like him enough that you can envision growing old together etc then you have a long road ahead of you which starts with recognising how wrong the situation in his home is. WebIf Your Partner Ever Says These 20 Things, You Should Break Up. I dont know. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. It's dysfunctional, with enmeshment, he's a sonsband, there's a term that describes it I can't remember something along the lines of incest spouse. Maybe his mom is too demanding, he should probably move out and become more independent. This is emotional incest. They often take care of them by trying to fix things for them. Heres how acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend changed everything: It Killed the Romance. There may be things you feel you could introduce or compromises to make that would make you feel better. or did family things get in the way? He is also prone to complaining about his mother and garnering sympathy for his broken childhood. Ok, to put things in a bit of perspective: Cards on the table, the 'daddy' thing is weird. But any misguided feelings that you might be able to do the work for him are only going to lead to bitter disappointment. We need to face the facts about why we end up with codependent people. Has it made you unhappy? She also complains that he doesnt text or message her enough. I don't know how much further I want to take this conversation with him. Obviously, it will be easier to have private time with your The same thing, she relied on him for emotional support, babysitting his two younger sisters, mowing the lawn and other fatherly duties, even stating some kind of creepy comments about his appearance. We all have very different family dynamics. Look depending on how much you like this guy, you have two options. Worthwhile work, but will he do it? Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family. Here you'll find all collections you've created before. Did you like my article? If kids were in the plans, you better believe you will be public enemy number one to the new grandma. At the heart of it, you're upset that he can't devote much time to you, or give you full attention when you're trying to talk. Some codependent relationships may be worse than others.
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